i feel so dead. i feel so empty. i feel like i need to go. to fade. i feel like i already am. fading. drowning. dying. am i dead? have i become one of them? is it all just an illusion? oh my god. it's ... it's ... me. my body. there. next to me. what am i? what happened? 'you're done.'
i wake up with a loud scream and hold my head, i look around and breath roughly. it was that same dream again. and i can't even help it. why is it? is it because i can actually know? i can actually tell someone is dead? no, that makes no sense. the dream has no point. good. no one is there. i sigh deeply and then sadly look at the photo on my desk across the room. she wouldn't believe me. i was even sent to a mental hospital for a year when i was eleven. but i knew i was right and i knew my mother has been dead for many years. i wasn't sure how or why but i just felt it.
she is a great doctor. one of the best actually. and my dad. a proud lawyer would never believe his wife is dead. i couldn't even imagine my brother's reaction. now that he had a successful career as one of the top federal secret agents he became a bit cocky. but when i told him, he believed me. i was shocked. he said he even knows what exactly is going on. mediums, he said. that's what we are called. he told me to keep it as our little secret and not mention my mom she is actually supposed to be lying underground. that was probably the best deal ever made with him.

i burst out crying and run out of the bathroom, out of the house and down the street, knock on the door like crazy and cry into his chest the moment he opens the door. he asks what's wrong but i wouldn't answer. i can't. i just push the test toward his face and he hugs me tightly, holding back tears. he is so much older than me. and i am only 15. we go inside, cry it out and then he asks if i want an abortion. of course not! i would never kill a little creature inside me. so he says he'll take care of whoever i give birth to but we can't be together. i agree and i leave after some hours, puzzled. how am i going to tell my parents?
they are not happy about it. but they support me and nine months of hell begins that very moment.
twins. i have twins. two little girls. i cry because i'm sad and i cry because i'm happy and i cry because i'm worried. i cry because i know i could never take care of them. and i cry because i know one of them is dead, died before she was even born but somehow she is still there, crying louder than her twin sister. i love them. but my parents have a plan. i knew it. they tell me these beautiful babies are now my little sisters and everyone will think that. i don't want that but i am only 16 then and i just agree. at least i have them with me.

i feel so dead. i feel so empty. this time for real. but i know i am alive. and i wish i wasn't. i don't really know why. but i feel the need to do something. anything. i look like a kid. and i know i always will. and i know why. because i'm freaking fucking asian! but i don't mind i get to do stuff both, adults and kids can do and that's pretty whacky. but it is awesome to get a free ride somewhere or 'no charging for persons under the age of 15'. oh yeah. that's how awesome i am. i know it's wrong but i do it anyway, because you know, we only live once. but do we? do we really?
i am still dealing with the question and besides the hard studying of each and every performance art and practicing martial arts every day, i have my own little bussiness only a few people know about. they know me as 'megitsune', the female fox. i guess i am a bit 'foxy' after all. if they want me to find a dead, i will do it. if they want me to sell something for them, i will. only a something, never a someone. long story short; whatever you want, i can make it happen. i do miracles, but only possible ones.

so at the end of the day, i lay down in my bed and stare at nothing. i think about life and i think about death and i always figure out it's a big ball of crap, wrapped inside this huge dark cloud of mystery. i think as much as i can because i don't want to fall asleep, knowing the body will be there again and the pointless nonesense will continue. but it's right about one thing. i really am done.